Having constructive family discussions about money

The website of a Cape Town based divorce lawyer lists money as being among the top 10 reasons for failed marriages. And it would seem that it is not necessarily a lack of financial resources that is to blame but rather spouses' lack of compatibility in this department. 

Elsewhere, a former colleague writes this in her blog: "I have been beyond shocked the past few years to see the devastating impact of inheritance or potential inheritance on family relationships in educated families."

Money can destroy relationships between spouses and between parents and their children. Period. In the financial services industry we bear witness to this. 

Framing the money discussion

Judith Stern Peck, the author of "Money and meaning" is a New York based family therapist who assists families in dealing constructively with the myriad of conflicts that so often arise around the issue of money.

The premise that underlies her approach to troubled family relationships is that to many of us money is a taboo subject and that our failure to engage with one another openly and honestly around this topic can give rise to all sorts of problems. The question then is this: if we find it so difficult to have constructive and open conversations about money with one another, what can be done to change that?

Peck proposes a simple, yet effective solution to this impasse. She argues that all of our behaviour is in some way informed by the core values to which we subscribe. The problem is just that we are often unaware of the values that underlie our beliefs and actions. If, however, we can become sensitive to what they are and even better, if we can learn to articulate them, we can start having our money conversations from a conceptual framework that is essentially non-confrontational in nature. 

To sensitise individual family members to the values that resonate most closely with them, Peck and her co-workers have identified a list of fourteen values that each family member is required to rank in order of their own sense of importance. Behaviour that is normally judged on face value can now be understood within the context of each family member’s value system and, by way of example, encourages a response along the lines of "Given the importance that you attach to economic values, I can now understand why you are always so prudent with your money" rather than "Why on earth are you always so stingy?"

Identify your own core values

You can identify the core values that are important to you by simply completing our values quizz here and following the instructions.

Source : Peck, J.S. Money and meaning. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2008.